Temple Israel, Westport, CT - Caring Committee

A Message from the Caring Committee

About all that Sad News …

By Andrea Fein, Chairman

As chairperson of the Temple Israel Caring Committee, I am frequently asked how I manage, being involved in all of the sadness that is part of this position. A good friend nicknamed it “the tragedy committee!” While we do have the pleasure of delivering baby baskets and sharing in so many happy times with our congregation, what stands out to many seems to be our role in comforting the bereaved.

I am no expert at the Jewish approach to bereavement, and I’m not someone who was ever particularly drawn to the subject – not many people are! I write this as a layperson, in an attempt to try to reach others who, like most of us, may be uncomfortable with funerals and shiva and reaching out when someone has had a loss. I have learned an immense and precious lesson in the short time I have had this role. This I will try to share briefly with you, especially those of you who might – understandably – shy away from the obligation, or mitzvah, of comforting the bereaved.

The main thing to me seems to be to do something to connect with and support the person, even if you are uncomfortable and worried you might say or do the wrong thing. Last December, we were lucky to have Dale Atkins-Rosen lead a group of us in an educational/brainstorming session about shiva. One of the great insights that emerged was that simple companionship, just showing up and being there can be extraordinarily helpful and important. Once you do so, you will become more and more comfortable in the role, and will become an integral part of our community of caring.

So, how to do this? Are there rights and wrongs in comforting the bereaved? Not really, although there are wonderful Jewish traditions that make good sense. Shiva is not something to which you must be invited. The idea of shiva is for the mourners not to be alone while in mourning – we take care of each other. It is traditional to bring nourishing and delicious food, and to sit if the mourner is sitting. You might find that there are low benches for mourners to sit on, the mirrors may be covered, the mourner(s) unshaven, and doors unlocked. During shiva, you are welcome to walk in without knocking or ringing a doorbell. Sometimes, sitting quietly by is perfect. Other times, you may take the opportunity to ask something about the deceased, as in, “I didn’t know ___ well…Do you feel like talking about her?” Or, “When was this picture taken, what were you all doing?” If the mourner does not feel like talking, you do not need to fill the space with your talk: it is not about you, and this is not like a party where you might want to make idle conversation. Make eye contact with the people you are visiting, and take your cues from them.

It seems that people do not “get over” death, they – I should say “we” – learn to integrate the loss into our lives. This takes time and effort from all of us. Sometimes it remains quite difficult for a long time after the shiva period, after everyone has left. Grief may come in waves, and at unexpected times. Whether you were able to share in the immediate grief of the funeral and shiva, or not, as a member of the community of Temple Israel you are automatically also a part of the Caring Committee. The people who come to meetings and take on specific Caring Committee roles are doing amazing work, and I’ll be thrilled if you want to join them. However, all of us at Temple Israel are here to share good times and bad with each other, to be here for each other…and that is no tragedy! In the face of all the “Sad News,” our TI community has provided love and support beyond measure. If you have been reticent before, I hope you will feel comfortable participating next time you receive such an e-mail. Please e-mail me anytime (Andreafein29@gmail.com) if you

would like more information or need some help, or if you would like to participate more in the Caring Committee. We will be discussing programs for the upcoming year and would love your input. Finally, please consider joining us on Sunday, May 20, 9:00 AM to Noon for our Caregiver Workshop (free and open to the public), where we will have experts help us gain perspective and practical information about supporting spouses and parents as they age.